Conscious refers to awareness and intentionality. Partnership refers to the choice to create safety together.
In a conscious partnership we intentionally work together to become more aware of our conditioned reactions so that we can align our behaviour with how we truly desire to be and connect deeply as our wholehearted selves.
We help each other shine light on the unconscious aspects of ourselves, the old patterns of conditioning we learned in childhood that once protected us, but now no longer serve us. Instead, much of our conditioning actually gets in the way of giving and receiving love.
Rumi’s quote summarizes the process of engaging in conscious partnership nicely,
“Our task is not to seek for love, but to remove all barriers to it.”
In this way, being in conscious partnership is like peeling layers of an onion. We assist each other in working through learned patterns of protection and reaction to meet in the wide open space of love.
So what are the barriers to love?
They’re all unseen, hidden elements of our perception, which some people call ego:
- Expectations
- Pain
- Assumptions
- Conclusions
- Defensiveness
- Frustration
- Control
- Competition
- Criticism
...just to name a few.
In conscious partnership, there tends to be a shared desire to “meet” with nothing in the way because only when nothing is in the way do we truly experience real intimacy. We move towards connecting on all levels (emotional, spiritual, physical, metaphysical, mental, etc.) to experience a deep sense of closeness or even unity.
So how do we get to this place of being deeply seen, known and felt?
All healing begins with safety. Safety that allows us to speak and walk through all of our shame. Anything that we've suppressed or judged as bad or wrong gets in the way of intimacy.
Brene Brown’s research showed,
“Shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment.”
In conscious partnership, we use the safety that is provided to us to liberate ourselves.
We trust that our partner truly loves and accepts all of us. With this trust and commitment to connection, we remove, layer by layer, old stories and patterns that we’ve judged as bad and wrong by speaking them.
Nothing needs to be done or fixed, only welcomed, seen, heard, understood, and witnessed.
Safety isn’t something you do, it’s what you are; an energy, a presence, an environment free from reaction where your partner can clearly look in the mirror and see their patterns as cleanly as possible.
We move towards this liberated reality in every moment by choosing to be present rather than letting our brain automate our partners. After all, assumptions are another layer of perception and programming that divide us from our partner. When we assume anything we’re not living in a shared reality with our partner and consequently feel disconnected.
So, checking assumptions regularly is an intentional practice of conscious partnership.
It’s easy, even in a matter of days, to fall into a groove of unconsciousness. If we’re not mindful, we establish habits that lull us into a state of sleep-walking through life, no longer appreciating the magic of being alive or the vibrant partner that we’ve buried underneath layers of pain or perception.
For some, they sense their true nature, the essence of who they are, is love. From this perspective, we ask ourselves, “Am I being the most loving or best version of myself right now?”
As old patterns of protection and pain are acted out, we enroll our partners to cue us so that we can gain new awareness in the moment which allows us to take responsibility for aligning our behaviour with our best most loving self.
We are a team, not enemies. Our carts are tied to each other. Your best interests are my best interests. With this perspective, we continually humble ourselves, taking responsibility for acting out of alignment with our best or most loving self.
We don’t wait for our partners to call us out. We remind ourselves we don’t need to defend ourselves, and we intentionally shift from fight and flight survival responses to vulnerability.
Lastly, the point of all this is not the outcome, that’s a happy byproduct of engaging in the work. Rather, the process of gently and intentionally opening your hearts to each other is the moment-by-moment gift.
It’s progress over perfection and process over outcome.
If you get stuck, send me a message or check out this website for more resources. I love companioning couples on this journey of opening their hearts. Sometimes we’re not meant to hold space for our partners, you need space held for you so that your relationship can breathe.
To opening our hearts,
Brian