Does a GOOD partner actually bring out the WORST in you?
Do your core wounds match?
How is it that two highly empathic, loving beings, who easily empathize with the rest of the world, could have such a hard time with each other? #couplesproblems
How is it that so many couples, who independently, (as their friends would affirm), are very friendly, attuned, and empathetic, struggle so much together?
Let's unpack this.
Answer...
The Daily Double... (cheezy jeopardy joke).
Their core wounds match.
The reason couples are attracted to each other
is actually to complete their childhood.
This is why marriages begin and end: Couples don’t know how to navigate the healing process as they trigger each other’s core wounds.
That means, to recover the repressed, underdeveloped aspects of themselves.
So the unconscious hidden agenda of partnership is healing.
That means you're going to trigger the shit out of each other
(activate your core wounds)
to bring to light (conscious awareness)
that which you could not see
so that you can experience something new
AKA the opposite of what you did in your past.
For instance
the person who "feel unsafe to be myself"
realizes, "Oh shit, it's actually safe to be myself."
So you project your past onto your present
then your partner reacts as if your past is real
then you learn to provide the opposite
and gradually have a different experience.
Similarly
the person who "feels unseen or unvalued"
realizes, "Oh shit, they actually do see me"
or the person who "feels their no space for me"
realizes... yeah you get it.
So..... the thing you partner needs,
will be the last thing, and feel like the most inauthentic thing,
for you to give them.
Because giving that thing (that feels inauthentic - not who you are)
is actually you recovering and expressing a repressed aspect of your Whole Self.
So by doing what feels like the most inauthentic hard thing,
you're actually reclaiming lost aspects of your Whole Self.
Alrighty, so your Core Wounds match
and you hurt and trigger each other
because your partners is
exquisitely designed to stick a burning knife in your wound.
That doesn't mean your wrong for each other
it means you're right for each other.
When we get hurt and are in pain,
we become self-absorbed.
Fear and pain cause a contraction in our consciousness.
That makes us only see the world one way, “my way.”
And "my way" should be "your way".
And isn't it obvious???
That's us acting from our Wound.
You should understand me.
You should see me.
You should act perfectly.
You shouldn't hurt me.
You should know what I need.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
It sounds childish because it is.
We're developing, underdeveloped aspects of our childhood selves into adults.
What's the language of the Wounded Child?
Blame.
Blame.
Blame.
Blame is also a clever defense.
Your partner's perspective becomes threatening
to your sense of self
so you avoid empathizing with them
to protect your identity
to shield yourself from being seen as wrong or bad
to protect yourself form feeling the pain
in your childhood.
Everything they say
invalidates your perspective.
Everything you say
invalidates their perspective.
Each of you explains and justifies
why you feel the way you feel.
Neither of you listens to the other
you just keep reiterating your point of view
and contradicting theirs.
That's conflict escalation 101.
So let's go deeper...
Your core wounds match
which means:
How your partner reacts when they get triggered
is your trigger.
For instance,
they get overwhelmed
and react by withdrawing
which scares you
so you react by
chasing, which overwhelms them further.
You each feel judged
as either not enough
or too much
you get big
they get small
(or vice versa)
it's a mess.
Their reaction triggers your reaction.
Now you're both in hyper-defense mode
and it's impossible to connect
because you're hurt
self-absorbed
and only willing to attempt
to be understood
not to understand them.
After hurting each other
each partner
rarely has much capacity to empathize with the other
because they need empathy.
It's like you're both drowning
and each of you have
a life raft to save the other
but declare, "throw me yours first!"
So each partner attempts to convince the other,
they should see things their way
AKA give me your life raft.
Each person tries to explain
"Here's what hurt"
but that triggers the other person.
This Blame-Explain-Defend Cycle
goes round and round
For....ev.....er.
Explaining your point of view
in an attempt to be understood
is actually an attempt to merge
to feel close again
by annihilating difference
and essentially become one single perspective.
Merging - annihilating difference -
eliminates all threat
that is posed by the other's individuality.
Merging seems like
it will make all of the pain go away
"If I eliminate you,
the person seemingly causing my pain
by getting you to see things my way
them I'm safe and not in pain anymore."
Partners have a drive to merge (experience union)
AKA to eliminate seperateness
but they also have opposing needs
to be autonomous, free, individuals.
On top of all that
you're projecting your past onto your partner.
Each of you unconscious projects
and reacts to the other
as if they are one (or both) of your parents.
So you're actually reacting to
a projected image of your parents
not seeing your partner for who they really are.
Alright, so what's the cure for merging and projection?
What's the cure for thie Blame-Explain-Defend Cycle?
Empathy.
Mutual and reciprocal empathy.
Empathy is the bridge back to each other
and the way you reclaim lost aspects of your Whole Self.
And empathy is the last thing
you want to do
when you're hurt, scared and triggered.
Empathy is the acknowledge of difference.
Empathy is how you connect
AND maintain your individuality.
Empathy is the way
two individuals
respect, recognize and validate
their differences
in an attempt
to learn and grow together.
The aim of empathy is mutual understanding
of your uniqueness.
You both need and deserve to be seen and understood
and mutually and reciprocal empathy is the ONLY way there.
In order to empathize with each other
you're going to be stretched
that's where the growth lies
that's why you're together
to learn and grow and heal.
Empathy is not saying, "I understand."
Empathy is demonstrating your understanding.
You should be able to speak as them
and explain their perspective even better than they can themselves.
Empathy works best
when it validates how they think and feel
as making sense.
You will not be able to do that from your perspective.
From your perspective
their perspective and reaction
usually doesn't make sense
that's why we resist it.
Empathy gets us outside of ourselves.
That's why it's healthy.
Empathy forces us to expand our concept of "Reality"
to include more truth.
Empathy forces us to include nuance and complextiy
to move beyond black-and-white
all-or-nothing thinking.
Empathy forces us to
connect our actions
to their pain.
So naturally we resist it
because you always have good intentions right?
You didn't mean to hurt them?
Empathy can feel like admitting
"I'm a bad person".
Empathy can feel like
agreeing with a perspective
that is fundamentally "wrong" or "untrue".
Empathy requires us
to acknowledge
we had two different experiences
of the very same event.
Empathy demonstrates understanding
by acknowledging that you each had unique
and automatic thoughts and feelings
that arose from the same event
as a result of different personalities,
perspectives, temperaments, bodies
moods, paradigms of thinking etc.
Empathy is driven by curiosity
to learn what you don't understand or see.
Empathy is much easier to give
when we know we're getting it back
so you can both agree to do that.
You can each stretch yourselves
to get outside of yourselves
to cross the street
from your house of understanding
to their house of understanding
and take the tour
of a very different house
from the inside out.
You can each
hop on board
each other's train of understanding.
But you can only do that
one at a time.
Take turns.
You have to take turns.
You can only tour each other's house
ride each other's "train-of-thought"
from destination A to B
one at a time.
Take Turns.
There can only be
1 Listener and 1 Speaker
at a time.
That's Communication 101.
So stay in your lane.
Lastly, let's zoom out.
We're on this floating orb in infinite space.
Isn't empathy what the hurting world needs?
Empathy is easy when we agree...
So, let's put it into practice
right now in your family system
with your partner
to end the war
not over seas
but right here right now
between you.