Being cheated on in the past can leave deep emotional scars, making it hard to trust again. The fear of being hurt once more can create anxiety and lead to controlling behaviours that strain your current relationship. So, let's explore how this fear impacts your relationship and what you can do to overcome it.
The Psychological Impact
1) Trust Issues: After experiencing infidelity, it's natural to have trust issues. You might constantly worry about your partner's loyalty, fearing the same betrayal. This fear can make you hypervigilant, always on the lookout for signs of infidelity.
2) Projection of Fear: Your anxiety about being cheated on again can lead to projecting your fears onto your current partner. Innocent actions might be misinterpreted as suspicious, causing unnecessary tension and conflict.
3) Anxiety and Control: The fear of betrayal often manifests as anxiety. You might feel the need to control your partner's behavior to prevent potential infidelity, but this can create a suffocating environment for both of you.
The Biological Impact
1) Stress Response: Fear of being cheated on activates your body's stress response. Your amygdala, which processes fear, can become overactive, making you more sensitive to potential threats.
2) Neurotransmitter Imbalance: Chronic anxiety can lead to imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin and cortisol. This can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression, making it harder to trust and feel secure in your relationship.
3) Attachment System: Early attachment experiences shape how you respond to relationship stress. If you had insecure attachments growing up, you might be more prone to anxiety and control issues in response to fears of infidelity (Fonagy & Target, 1997).
The Social Impact
1) Behavioral Patterns: You might have learned certain behaviors from past relationships or family dynamics, like being distrustful or controlling. These patterns can carry over into your current relationship, even if your partner hasn't given you a reason to distrust them.
2) Communication Breakdown: Fear and anxiety can lead to poor communication. Instead of expressing your concerns, you might resort to controlling behaviors, which can create misunderstandings and conflict.
3) Social Support: A lack of social support can make it harder to process your fears and rebuild trust. Having a supportive network is crucial for overcoming past trauma and feeling secure in your relationship.
Overcoming Fear and Building Trust
1) Self-Inquiry: Questioning your thoughts can help you reframe negative thought patterns and reduce anxiety. By challenging irrational fears and learning healthier coping mechanisms, you can start to rebuild trust in your relationship.
2) Focus on Secure Attachment: Understanding and altering your attachment patterns can help you develop a more secure attachment style. This can lead to healthier relationship dynamics and reduce anxiety. When you get scared your brain is basically saying, "Are you there? Do I matter? Can I trust you?" You can offer words of affirmation to yourself and request them from your partner.
3) Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Practicing mindfulness can help you manage your stress response and stay present in your relationship. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation. What do you need most to sooth your mind/body/nervous system?
4) Open Communication: Honest and open communication with your partner is key. Expressing your fears and concerns can help you both understand each other better and work towards building trust. Make sure they understand your fear is not a reflection of them, as much as it's based on your past. Therefore you just need some calming reassurance when this past wound flares up.
5) Build a Support Network: Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family can provide a buffer against anxiety and help you feel more secure in your relationship. The more you securely attach to others and don't entirely rely on your partner for emotional support, the more resourced and resilient you become. Balance communication with your partner and relying on yourself and others for support.
Work with Brian
It's okay to still need more personal and professional support. Not everyone is equipped or has the capacity to resolve trauma, repair relationship ruptures or rebuild self-esteem and self-trust after painful events. Schedule a 15 minute no sales video consult or schedule a session with Brian here.
References
Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (1997). Attachment and reflective function: Their role in self-organization. Development and Psychopathology, 9(4), 679-700.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381-387.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.